The Cosmic Doughnut

here is plant personality quiz. I think mine’s pretty accurate (though my singing voice is...not great).

( flower flower tree )

also, I’m in france! the weather here in Troyes is actual summer weather, unlike england where august was indistinguishable from late october. I’ll try and take some photos!

* my mum got her hip replaced! she didn't qualify for a replacement before even though it's been bad for ages because she's too young but it got really bad and then they had to. so she can walk about again and climb the stairs and go out! we're gonna go to birdworld to celebrate. (birdworld is an aviary with some other animals and next door is an aquarium.) there's a lot of walking to see the whole thing though so we need to train up, because I'm super unfit too. but it's spring and there will be BABBY BIRDES!!!

* I stopped taking so much acid represent because apparently low acidity can really make SIBO worse and it seems to be helping without making me so acid I get burns? which is good. I've been super ill lately (hence my not being around) and I want so much to actually get stuff done this year.

* I'm so excited about pi, I love pi, I'm getting to the stage where it's allllll coming together and pi is so important and magical. happy pi day. also I ate a pie and it was delicious.

* I've been drawing a bit more using colours!3d on my 3ds, it's easier than getting my tablet set up and arranged and all. you can see my pictures here or I post them to my art tumblr eventually. colours! is basically deviantart in 3d, there's many children and many drama, but there's some amaaaazingly talented people.

* the spring is here at last and I can sit in the garden and listen to next door's power tools. but when he goes inside it's nice! the plum tree is in blossom and the pigeons are going crazy for the fruit...bud..things......anyway they're getting their snack on.

* I hope everyone is okay and hopefully better than okay? I'm sorry for being so scarce lately. how is the spring in your part of the world?

* I FINALLY GOT AN APPOINTMENT AT THE GENDER IDENTITY CLINIC!!! I have been waiting since november 2013.

* I got my secret stantler gift! it's called The Acorn and it's about Shaymin. it's a crossover with the Hobbit films, which I haven't seen but I know the basic plot of. I drew this, and the person who got it seemed pleased so that's good.

* so GIC right. well. it didn't go so good. the psych I saw was insistent that gender was all about performing as either male or female in public and so a) I had to try to live and pass as male if I wanted help and b) as I don't go out much I don't really qualify for help as if a Rax has dysphoria in the woods no one hears it cry. on the plus side! my gp has been super helpful and recommended a surgeon who would do top surgery (which is all I'm really after) privately. I could pay for it with my inheritance from my grandparents, and I wouldn't have to argue with ignorant people who trigger my PTSD about whether my gender exists or not.

* he also thought I have asperger's? which I'm taking with a whole box of salt seeing as his evidence was things like "likes star trek" and "likes things to be lined up straight". still, my brother has it and my dad probably does so maybe? eh, it's not like it changes anything one way or the other.

* and he thought star trek and doctor who were interchangeable! I mean, AS IF. but enough about him I am trying to put it behind me.

* my mother needs an emergency hip replacement :( it's been bad for about two years but now it's suddenly accelerated and she needs it within a month really. it's all very safe and routine and everything but naturally I'm mad scared because HOSPITAL. I would appreciate if those of you who do prayers or vibes or things of those sort could aim a few in her direction because I can't really do anything else.

* my new purple fluffy jumper I got for my birthday is so warm and fluffy I haven't felt cold at all even though it has been snowing! mind you I haven't actually been outside much. but the daffodils are coming up and that's nice.

* I love being healthy enough to study!!! I love being healthy enough to draw!!! please based shaymin let this continue!!!

* can movember be over yet please

* I got a goat for my birthday! both a soft fluffy goat for cuddling and an live hungry goat for eating scrub on wildlife reserves and thus protecting valuable chalk grassland habitat. the big goat (who I only really "adopted" a share in) is called Cassie and the little goat is called Cassis because puns are cute. Cassie is white with one pinkish horn and one grey horn, while Cassis is white all over and wears a tiny goat coat to prevent me spilling chocolate oat milk on her (again).

* Olivia moved back to Bigsock and put her house in the spot I least wanted it but OH WELL I guess I will have to rearrange the flowerbeds.

* I got a jigsaw (not really hard enough but my aunt didn't know I am actually a god of jigsaws) and some nice warm purple clothes and a book about maths that I got halfway through a year ago but had to return to the library. the book is really interesting but I don't think anyone who reads this really wants to hear about set theory so I will spare you.

* I hate getting older and older without accomplishing anything. I want to go to university SO MUCH and learn and make friends and just have a semi-normal life. maybe one day. at least I don't look old I guess?

* I don't want to end this on a downer. lately I've been making more effort to talk to people I like and I think it's going quite well? I've been having problems with skype and so if you want to talk to me it's best to do it through pidgin (which you can use with msn and aim and other instant messengers as I'm sure you know). or email me or message here or something! I like to talk to you, person reading this!

talking about Metrazol's culture! I'd like to chat with people about wordbuilding/our projects more often but I don't want to put anyone on the spot by asking questions if they haven't specifically said they liked receiving them and I don't know how to ask people to ask about my stuff without being rude. blurgle blurgle why communication so hard.

( there is an open plain bordering a wheat forest )

Unnamed World is my MUD project. it hasn't got a name so I just call it Un. in lieu of working productively I just wrote down everything I currently know about Un to help me build more of it. ( you are under no obligation to read this un-spellchecked rambling )

I'd combine this with july but it would get long.

* I had a surgical procedure (not technically an operation even though I was under general anaethetic) that everyone had hyped to be a game changer which totally wasn't. I was probably the least upset because I never believe in anything anymore anyway. I managed to make the whole thing worse by spilling a cup of near boiling water on my crotch shortly before having to head to the hospital but because I got the aloe vera on it quickly it actually wasn't a huge deal. I could tell everyone was proud of my timing though.

* my brother came to stay. he lost it (WHO COULD HAVE PREDICTED THAT), stuff happened, and now he is no longer allowed to come here. overall it's safer this way for all of us.


* the medicine I had to take before the s.p. made me pretty ill for the whole rest of the month so I didn't get out much at all. I did go to a nice nature reserve with lots of birdlife and a no dog policy! which is great because birds and dogs don't really mix and I am bird. I saw a common kingfisher for about the second time ever!

* I sent a letter to Willow and it was kind of fun! I would like to exchange letters with other people too. If you would like a letter, with some dumb pictures or some small light items like pokemon cards, please comment with your address. comments will of course be screened! my postal address is in the uk and I can send to anywhere, but not heavy or large things.

so I'm having another operation in two weeks. everyone is optimistic about it except me. I just hope I don't get MRSA this time.

not one person has joined my exchange. I was so psyched about it. I should have realised that no one would want something I had made. I'm so stupid for getting excited when I was always going to fail.

:(((((((((((

okay so I'm just gonna shove stuff down here willynilly, in the game it will be either displayed in books you find or else just left to people to put together from clues but I don't want to forget anything so down here it goes. I guessssss there's spoilers (for a game that will probably never get finished) under here?

( my spell check isn't working jsyk )

next time, I guess I'll write about the six characters, or maybe the environment.

* so I am here in France now and the weather is eminently more reasonable! the Med is hella cold though.

* Perpignan seems to have more than its fair share of crying babies. or maybe the studio we are renting is on baby street? or maybe these things are sent to test me.

* currently I am mad because some complete wanker on the internet claims that people with more unusual phobias or triggers DELIBERATELY MANUFACTURED THEM for attention on tumblr. and someone I was goping to befriend is apparently friendly with him so, yeah. *crosses off to-befriend list* what a total tosspot.

* but! I have a delicious raspberry and rose flavoured drink so all is not lost. I wanted to get kiwi and banana too but it had fructose syrup in it :(

I've been seeing in the new year by sleeping near-constantly and feeling like death while awake so I've been putting of making any resolutions. Then I decided that I hate resolutions because they're so vague, "I will get fit", like HOW fit? If I make open ended resolutions like that I'm just going to beat myself up for not doing well enough. So instead I'm going to make some concrete goals that I want to get done before 2014.

* finish at least 5 pictures off picture list
* do at least five character refs
* reach next city in every pokemon game currently on the go
* get strong enough to do 10 proper push ups in a row without dying
* organise Buck's flowerbed
* do some maths every day, even if it's just going over stuff in my head
* figure out wtf is wrong with my laptop
* figure out wtf is wrong with minecraft forge
* don't cry over computers
* get started on transitioning stuff (weeps)
* make new icons for all tumblrs and dw
* draw at least five ask salamanders answers
* try to stay on top of freerice but don't get sick over it
* stop reading comics I don't enjoy
* set up paypal account
* organise sprawling pics folders into sleek new system
* do stupid breathing exercises every day ugh
* don't die

Welp that's a lot more than I expected OH WELL I GUESS WE'LL SEE

So far, my experience with Skype has been...mixed. I've chatted a bit and sat staring at little green icons and trying to will people to talk to me a lot. So either everyone hates me (hopefully not the case) or else we all have the same problem initiating conversation. So now I've resolved to have at least four conversations a week and ignore my awkwardness! This is your chance to opt out of being cornered and smothered in my attempts at normality |D

So now I am a talking furret. If you can haz a skype, plz to be telling me it?

I'm so depressed about Homestuck right now. The extent of my upset bothers me and makes me feel guilty because as torachan pointed out, there were a million and one problems with Homestuck before this and I accepted the explanations and apologies for those. But now it's hit me specifically and I realise just how shitty a person the author must be, and I'm not reading it anymore. I might still keep my fan characters, I'm not sure yet.

:(((( At least Pokemon will always love me.

I am in France! I have been in France for more than three weeks but I neglected to say anything about it, mostly because I was really ill for a large chunk of that time. The weather here in Lot-et-Garonne is lovely and hot but there is NOTHING to do except caves, and I've done caves! And chateaux and old churches I guess but those are seldom really gripping. My French has got super bad as well. I guess I'll have to pick up a dictionary and start relearning words!

The best thing so far is a tiny soft fluffy wild boar plushy that I was given as a present, he is charming and I will post pictures of him when I can get them :)

1. I went to the dentist! I haven't been for like, five years so I was kind of nervous that they'd take on look at my teeth and back away screaming but actually they just told me to floss more. Had an awkward moment when they handed me my medical history to update and wanted to know all about my issuesTM but I just put down "and other stuff" which I think covers it.

2. Guess what, I have a super power and will shortly be joining the X-men. I was lying on a rug in the garden, with my ear to the rug, and then I began to hear a strange sort of squealing/creaking sound. I moved my head to another position and it stopped. So I moved it back and it started again. I was pretty intrigued so I got up and moved the rug and found my head had been on...an ants nest! I CAN HEAR ANTS SHOUTING AT ME. None of them seemed hurt just cross with me. SORRY ANTS.

3. So much rain D: Roads are flooding and everything, this is not proper June weather. Dry winters and wet summers seems to be the new status quo though :/

4. Going to France in like two weeks, wheeeee!

5. Reading though the logs of this awesome RP I used to belong to when I played a marsupial snake alien lady and investigated mysterious situations. We ended after only a few sessions because Nazir, who ran it, got too ill, and I've missed it (and him) ever since. I hope you're still around somewhere out there buddy.

The weather is really looking up a bit here. I got a new bird feeder from the RSPB and lots of birds have been visiting, including sparrows, chaffinches, bullfinches, a tree creeper, and a greenfinch! I haven't seen some of these guys in years, so it's really nice. Unfortunately the squirrel also likes it and has bitten off some of the perches in his quest for delicious bird seed. >:[ He's also snapped two different branches with his weight. SQUIRREL, YOU DON'T NEED ANY MORE SEED. YOU ARE FAT ENOUGH.

I'm kind of on a quest myself, a quest to make more friends. I don't really have any friends locally (they all either dumped me when I got ill or became drunk awful losers or aren't here anymore) and I have very few on the internet (they either turned out to be jerks or went offline and haven't been heard from since). I'm kind of lonely (understatement) but I'm also REALLY BAD at making friends (also an understatement). I'm awkward at starting conversation because I'm never sure if I'm being pushy or annoying the other person. The when we are loosely connected, I'm frightened to turn up the friendship heat because OMG WHAT IF THEY SECRETLY HATE ME. THEN there's the fact that I have quite high standards for a friend on a...moral basis I guess. A little bit of predjudice goes a long way to make me not want to be around you. And then there's the big one, which is that I'm kind of a crap friend prospect. I'm not around a lot, I'm always whining about my problems, I forget to use my IM, and I have bunches of mental issues that I suspect make me look like a total freak.

BUT! I have been trying. I've signed up to some dreamwidth communities, and though the seem to be mostly dead, I can try to revive them. My hateful metal health worker is doing something useful for once and looking into a local art group for me. I'm looking for art exchange communities to join. And I'm going to try to track down some of the people I miss the most using my Internet Detective Skillz.

Plz to be working, internet detective skillz, I really am lonely :(

(Though if you're reading this, THANK YOU FOR BEING AWESOME ILU I just want more friends, you know?)